Pushing our children to get good grade, eat healthy, go to school or be respectful to elders is nothing uncommon. As children grow in close surveillance of parents, we the proud parents feel like it is our duty to shape them into perfect human being, as well as fulfill our expectation out of them. To do this duty perfectly parents often try-nagging, criticizing, comparing, and lecturing even scolding. However we very often forget that it is only possible for parents to push kids at a short term context, because as soon as they grow up to be smart individual they sometimes even refuse to be seen with parents in public. A stage comes when everything parents do or ask from them seems like a pressure to the kids.So don’t push kids too much that they start to feel pressurized by your love.
Daryl Capuano, founder and educator of The Learning Consultants in New Haven, Conn also asks parents to not push kid by nagging or criticizing them. He does accept the fact that it is useful in short term result generation. He asks parents to be an inspiration not a nagger. Because if children are tired of the nagging style parenting they will only become worse and disrespectful.
How a parent chose to motivate children depends on their parenting style. Parenting style has significant effect on a child’s development. It has an impact on his brain, academic results, mental strength, and every aspect of his personality. With only well wishes for own child a parent can sometime get very engaged and end up being an extremist. When a parent is so convinced that his intentions are good and that justifies his parenting style of being too pushy .Than it becomes hard to make him go another way or try something else. Some possible negative outcome of being a strict parent or being too much nagging is summarized here-
It is only natural for parents to be concerned about children’s grade and expect them to excel. Some parents believe it is ok to make child study more and more for better results. There are kids who genuinely like to study or spend hours into books but in most cases children want to do more physical activity and practice less thoughtful actions like studying.
Parent if keeps pushing the child only to study and not understand his other interests in sports or anything else than chances exist that he will bring good grades in short term and end of the day he will be hating school .
- A research from american phychological association showed that- both in Germany (3500 students) and in the USA (12000 students) students did good on exam when parents had logical expectation ,but when parents expected unrealistically and nudged children to perform as per expectation than it backfired, student performed worse.
Controlling parents, who believe that pushing a child hard is ok because if they do not push children, they won’t be able to make the most of them. However they often ignore the fact that children fails to develop self awareness and self esteem in the process.
Some of the children of too strict and dominating parents even suffer from anxiety and depression at very young age.
Some studies shows that many psychological problem are deep rooted from harsh parental approaches
- Research from Bor, Sanders, Markie Dadds, 2002 shows – children from preschool who seldom develop attention/hyperactive difficulties .Have history of experiencing coercive family interactions.
- Predictive longitudinal studies from Patterson, Chamberlain, Reid, 1982 shows that unkind and incoherent parenting style causes later youth conduct problems.
Not all children becoming submissive and obedient under constant nagging of parents.
Out of disgust they even choose to scream and violence. Such kids become more and more resilient to what parents ask from them and choose to be rebellious. Thus they feel like they have found freedom.
Submissiveness and Low self esteem
Dr. Eric Herman, a clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital of Michigan in Detroit says “It is only through accomplishing things that children develop earned self-esteem” Even when they achieve anything they hardly enjoys it as it was not their idea of achieving rather it was a mean to make their parent content.
It makes them not to develop their own judgments, fear to express their feelings. They often seek for approval of others in doing or acting to anything. It effects quite adversely in their future life.
- A study at University College London that was published in ‘The Journal of Positive Psychology’ found parents who are too controlling and often invade their children’s privacy risk creating long-term damage on their children. The study was conducted among 5,362 people from birth year 1946.They were questioned in their 30s 40s and 50s. It showed that such children had lower life satisfaction and poor mental well being
Does our pressure at work help us to relax or feel recharged? The answer is No. Same thing is applicable for kids. When they are under pressure to behave in certain way they inherently do not feel like, they feel pressure. This stress can cause many psychological and physical problems. They keep gloomy in always feel tired. They may please their parent but in most cases they are traumatized and unhappy inside.
Historically Home work pressure has been charged as a main reason for giving birth to school haters however A survey on child stress found out 2nd leading reason is the pressure engraved by parents is 2nd biggest reason behind child stress.
It is very common for controlling parents to ask their children do something and when kids protest managing them by some ultimatum or some kind of fear. One of my friend shared such an experience where her mom used the fear of “You won’t get a good life” to make her daughter conform to her. However after using this technique for too long, a time finally the day come when the daughter (my friend) simply retorted that she no longer cares to have a good life. So beware moms and dads because- Fear comes with an expiration date, do not use it too often to have your ways.
Teenagers and young peoples reasons for substance addiction is as complex as their life. Where main causes behind substance addiction is highlighted as-
- Peer pressure
One very common reason is rebellion against pushing parents.
Different children choose different type of drugs or alcohol as a mean to show rebellions attitude or to cope with uber strict parents.
Some common drugs popular among teens and their reason of popularity is summarized here.
|Generally used by teenagers to flaunt independence.
Seldom used to as a rebellious weapon, provoke anger in parents.
|LSD or Hallucinogens||Termed as escape drugs, used by young people who feel like misunderstood uses it. People who want to avoid or bear with kind words or advice often choose it.|
|Methamphetamine or meth
|It encourages aggressive, violent behavior. Teenagers choose it to express their anxiety or anger. It is far more harmful than alcohol.|
|Marijuana||Another avoidance drug. It reduces aggression.|
|Alcohol.||Works like Meth but less detrimental|
Poor health and habits
Effect of anxiety in our body is a well established fact. It directly affect our cardiovascular system, reproduction system, digestive system, central nervous system (which controls sleep, thinking process).It is only normal for parents to find out a child gets sick right before his test or a special day of every week.
It usually happens when he is too afraid to under perform in anything and get sick out of stress.
International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity 2014 published a report o 288 parent and their kids aging from 6-12.
Motive of the study was to find out effect of too strict parents on children’s health and habit. Result is summarized below-
So knowing the facts and side effects it is strongly recommended by experts to have patience and be supportive to kids.
Control, fear, nagging all may have ways in short term but for raising a confident and sound kid this cannot be the only means. Rather openness, reasoning with the child, communicating parent’s view and judgments; showing more warmth and responsiveness, can make the children more understanding.So don’t push kids too much and let them have the spirit that they are their own boss and it is up to them to be excellent.