Conflict with aged parents

Conflict with adult child
Adult child often develop a distance with aged parents due to many factors

Did you ever find being a supportive adult child is quite a hard task to master?Did your parents ever reacted because they felt you do not care enough for them? Though you have done almost everything to show concern still, did you felt an increasing distance is brewing with your parents as they are aging? Such communication gap often makes room for Conflict and grudges between adult children and aged parents .A clear dissatisfaction brews between expectation and reality. Who is at fault should never be the issue. It would rather be how to resolve the conflict with aged parents.

A study of The Cerontological Society of America , in 1999 shows

6 types of conflicts exist between aged parents and adult child.

(1) Conflict due to communication and interaction style

(2) Difference in habits and lifestyle choices

(3) Difference in values regarding child-rearing practices

(4) Different point of view in regard of -politics, religion, and ideology

(5) Conflict due to work habits and orientations

(6) Changes in household standards or maintenance over generation.

cause-of-conflict
Parents sample size 496, Children sample size 641. Parents mean age 62, Children mean age 39

29% parents 23% children refused to agree that they had any issue with each other. They stated having a harmonious relationship instead.

Conflict with aged parents type 1: Communication and Interaction Style

When there is conflict in way of expressing feeling for each other within a family network it can be termed as conflict of communication and interaction Style. In the study this conflict was categorized in three subtypes

Conflict with adult child
A common yet often ignored topic is conflict between aged parents and adult child
  • Style of communication

Children say parents may lose the rational behavior pattern over years. Many external factors can also be liable as many adult children complain parent fails to rationally communicate feelings. Some complained about being abandoned or feeling of deprivation.

Parents complained about -not being contacted; not being included in the family of their adult children.

  • Communication being overly critical

 

Conflict with aged parents
Difference in personal habits  and lifestyle is a big reason of conflict

Critical treatment from parents’ side was another common issue. Many children felt their parents seldom appreciate, being very negative, less being content with children’s behavior.

  • Regarding actual content of the communication

This was the major sector of complain for both side. It covered-lack of truthfulness, verbal abuse, less effort to make relation with extended family members, lack of effort from children to meet parents. Also disagreement because of divorce on remarriage of parents was reported frequently. Such structural disruption makes more room for dissatisfaction and discontent.

Conflict Type 2: Habits and Lifestyle Choices

Second largest category of responses indicating conflict is- differences in personal habits and lifestyle. It reflects a sure generation gap as this field comprise of the differences in choices of how both choose to live, make major life decisions.

Conflict with aged parents
differences may rise in lifestyle choices

In the study,most parents 38% said they disagreed with the way children choose to live, have relation within or outside marriage, health habits, eating habits, drinking habit, lesbian issue, screen time habits, spending habits etc.

Adult children sometime fear about the financial dependency parents may face   in old age due to their lack of saving habit or excessive spending habit ,they also complained about  parents self pitying, alcoholism or negligence about own physical and mental health.

Conflict Type 3: Child-rearing practices and Values

How parents choose to rear children in past and how children choose to rear their children now is a big issue of conflict with aged parents.Aged parents disagree on the level of freedom in general being given to grand children. They disagree on various issues ranging from health habits to sex life freedom given to grand children.

Conflict with aged parents
How you choose to rear child may not be acceptable in your parent’s view.

Adult children reported grudge regarding parents rearing style, unequal behavior forbeared from childhood.

They also reported complain on aged parents over bearing them in parenting grandchildren. Complain regarding inequality among sibling’s children were also reported. Some adult children reduce interaction with aged parents in order to reduce such dominance, creating more conflicts in other fields.

Conflict Type 4: Religion, Politics, and Ideology

In this field both parents and children made serious allegation.Some adult Children complain  of their parents being racist, not frank, egoistic , confused, not careful about making political remark knowing children believe otherwise.

Conflict with aged parents
Politics,ideology and religion can be a cause of conflict

While many parents seemed afraid of adult child violating basic religious values, not performing religious action as to parent’s expectation-taking a debt, abortion, visiting church, doing annual service all kind of value related practices have been mentioned at least once if not more. In general not being in line with the values they were once brought up with. Difference in sector of moral value also includes.

Conflict Type 5: Work Habits and Orientation

In this field parents complains ranges from –children being workaholic to not working at all. Parents having a view of work environment of earlier generation failed to match with adult children’s reality. Such incoherence created dissatisfaction.

conflict with aged parents
Changing working pattern,work from home,creative line of works,demanding job responsibility creating conflict with aged parents.

Children with different line (creative/unconventional) of ambition complained their parent’s lack of understanding of their spirit.

Conflict Type 6: Household Standards or Maintenance

Conflict with aged parents raise in this category-when adult children never leaves parent house, come back after a broken relationship, and come for a long vacation. Here complain exists in lack or nonexistent sharing of chores, rearing of grandchildren by passing to grandparents, poor culinary skill of adult children, diminishing capacity of aged parent to perform chores. All these created differences in multiple cases.

Conflict with aged parents
not sharing the chore can be a reason of conflict

Resolving the conflict

No two people can live happily ever after, even not a parent and child. Difference are bound to exist .How two party empathy with each can make a big difference in the prevailing conflicting situation.

Conflict with aged parents
Wise are those who look for a solution to resolve the conflict.

One extreme way is to cease relation or communication. This in long run is devastating for both. 5 easy ways to address Conflict with aged parents, from my experience and research are here-

  1. Identify the problem-

I am daddy’s girl, always more open to my father. My mother though more sensitive and emotional; was never in line with my thought style. With passing years, I was sharing more detail with my father and less with mother, without realizing it created dissatisfaction. Her attitude towards me became more indifferent over time and a time came, I could sense there was a big wall around her.Well I am still trying to get that wall down but glad that finally I could identify her grudge.

Conflict with aged parents
identify the reason of conflict

My observation is,Parents can not keep their grudge for unless you keep doing same thing on and on. So it is not very difficult to find out what is the route of conflict.Once you analyze your err of relationship you may easily find a way out. Chances exist there is no big issue, in such case no need to over analyze.

 

  1. Find a way, kick away the ego-

Ego exists most, in case of our relationship with the dearest ones. If you are at the adult child end you have to let go of it and show concern. History suggests parents are more tolerant when dealing with a conflict with adult child. So you can make the first step if they are not making it. Even if you know that they are wrong you can choose to be right. You can choose to be more sensible and communicate your view.

Conflict with aged parents
Kick away the ego in resolving the conflict

If it’s a problem like difference in opinion in raising your child you can give insight in your favor, also you can hear their logic and determine if it works. If flexibility is not the solution, things can get better by offering them something of their interest. Plan a vacation together, offer tickets to their favorite talk show or anything of their interest. Sometime diversion can be good way channel out the stress. Also if the understanding is strong, some major difference will not distress the relation.

 

  1. Be silent when words may harm more
Conflict with aged parents
save the word for a better situation

I am a great fan of Everybody loves Raymond.I loved the way Raymond cared about everyone’s feeling and failed to be blunt.Well his inability have not always lead to success in resolving conflict,however researchers believe times come when words do more harm than silence. When things get out of hand and situation heats up; your best choice remain in being silent .No matter how hurt you may feel you can choose to not hurt them. This will help you from being labeled as negative and intolerant. Later on they may realize and open up more about their reasons behind impatience. With parent it is not a sprint it is more of a marathon so save the words for another less heated up conversation.

  1. Give them the power

Parents have always been in charge. With age when they grow dependent on you they may not be able take the situation easily. Bossing your way may cause them feel more aged or disabled than they really are.

Conflict with aged parents
Give them the power

Give them as much power as you can. Of course your convenience is important, do as much as you can without making a big trouble for yourself .Like -If they are picky at gift receiver, in case of buying a gift for them take them with you to choose. When visiting a restaurant choose according to their choice. When planning a visit try to suit with their routine.

  1. Be a part of their health care regime

At this age you have to know about your parent’s health situation, if any other sibling is not actively doing it. So make time to visit the health care provider of your parents. Learn about the unfamiliar cognitive disfunctionalities. Check if they are taking medication properly at least over phone. It is very likely that physical hurdle that they go through make them more irritable and less tolerant.

conflict with aged parents
Be aware what physical condition is bothering them

Of all the relationship parent child relation is the most sacred one. Because of this symbol of pure love we often feel hesitant to express our problems with the parent or vice versa. However in order to keep this love unscathed we need to know more about such conflicts and learn to show more empathy and tolerance.

Survive hardest phase of parenting

Survive hardest phase of parenting
Survive hardest phase of parenting

Do you love your parent –Yes, Do you hate your parent sometimes…I guess the answer is also yes. No matter how old you become you still have a struggle of- power or opinion with your parent.It is continuous struggle of power but study shows some phases are worse than others.To Survive hardest phase of parenting there some useful technique proved successful over the time.

It is the mother nature of parents who try to make children’s life perfect. On the other hand children want to explore and many times do not care if it is as bad as parent predicted, because as soon as the child grow a self awareness he/she want his separate identity and freedom. Result is mostly a conflict with parents.

So which is the hardest time for a parent in raising a kid-Infant, toddler, junior high, and high school or afterwards? Every age has special needs and special challenges.

Infants are attention seeker-

They need help to sleep, to eat, to be cleaned. Parents have to accept the fact that they will be sleep deprived and always tired doing everything for the baby.

Toddler years are also challenging-

Feeding toddler right food, answering to his never ending queries, Teaching him the ways to fit in the world and restraining him from the forbidden obsessions like-watching i-pad nonstop, eating chocolate all the time. Very often parent have to play the bad cop in this stage.

Teenager are most difficult to keep up with-

It may seem at that stage, parenting will be easier when children grow up, but a survey of more than 2000 well-educated moms by at Arizona State University says different thing. According to the study mothers of middle schoolers (12- to 14-year olds) feel most challenged.

When trying to survive hardest phase of parenting nature of expected challenges  

Children aging 12-14 are those who want freedom and want to belong to the society at the same time. They go through more challenge as stepping to high school and facing the competition, making significant educational choices that are likely to influence their career. These struggling kids may start their struggle in adjacent years and continue little longer, in most cases. As they find it difficult to fit in while going through the adolescent changes they happen to reflect it in their behavior. At these stage children are afraid of the judgment and persist being judgmental same time. Parents specially mothers being the closest one to children gets the heat most. As the adage say ‘We often behave worst with the most loved ones”. According to the study moms of middle schoolers feel –least satisfied, more distressed, and suffer from emptiness.

Weapons at battlefield

Yap its nothing less than a battle so weapons has to be consistent, user friendly and properly timed.

Be more neutral

Any mom knows how delicate this is. No matter how much she tries she cannot be an unbiased third person. However it is main reason why children at this stage want to go at some distance.

try to be prepared for letting them have some me time
Try to be prepared for letting them have some me time

They want privacy and want to make choices on own. So Mom has to be prepared to let her daughter shop for herself and let her make some mistakes and learns by herself. Same thing goes for son as well. Let them go out but be sure to be aware of whereabouts.

Talk to children more often

Survive hardest phase of parenting
try to be prepared for letting them have some me time

As their life may get a higher pace for your teen child, it may become difficult to have meals at same table same time, do not force them into rules. Rather make time to meet them.

Survive hardest phase of parenting
Do not force them into rules. Rather make time to meet them

Find the time to talk about your day and in response ask them about their day. When asked for opinion give your perspectives do not make decision.

Live in the same planet

Yap you read it right. I know some parents too supportive and liberal that they never let children know the hardship they go through in their life. Definitely children at 12 are still kids, yet it is required to make them understand your life is also hard. That means share your problem to some extent with them and see what innovative solution they have to give. This will build a trust between you two your child will be glad to be treated as an adult and will be more careful next time he/she snarl at you.

Talk to other parents

Same aged children generally go through some common behavioral pattern.If you talk to other parents things may become easier and you may get more insight to your own situation. If nothing matches at least you will be less burdened with the unspoken absence of fulfillment.

Do not lose it

You may have break into tears or barked in anger at your toddler and next thing was hugging him/her and saying sorry. However teens are neither so forgiving nor forgetful. So even though you are super anxious or very angry do not react at the sphere of the moment.

Survive hardest phase of parenting
Before reacting make a conscious effort to not over react.

After all you are their first role model. So take time and talk to the other parent (if it is a two parent family) about what punishment to announce. Situation should not be something you are saying something and partner is disapproving in front of the kids. Also talk to your teen child about the punishment and make sure he/she agrees on its fairness.

Take the advantage

After so many years of overly active parenting you have entered to a phase where you have some time for yourself. Whether you like it or not it is going to be different from now on. Of course you won’t let your child go on all by him, but surely you are enjoying more free time. Rather than relinquishing your sweet memory of parenting be little more fun.Apart from worrying how to survive hardest phase of parenting  Give your life a second chance to do the things you wished to do.Try learning a new skill, language, yoga whatever you think interests you and will help you to be more cheerful.

Love working again

Love working again
1 out of 3 people lose interest in work

Those who are wondering-Why one need to fall in love with working again, don’t people already love there job?I have some perspective to share.Job the three letter word mostly led us through the sleepless nights before exam and the dreadful waiting period of JOB search. When we finally land to the field of unemployed pool we usually never wonder that a point of life may arrive when we could get bore with the job we used to aspire.This is the phase when one need to love working again.

However it happens to every 1 out of 3 employees. That surely does not mean that all of them quit. While some keep being miserable, some quit and start business or look for another job, some take action to feel better in existing job.

In 2013 Kelly Services’ a staffing agency in a global annual survey where 120,000 respondents participated said- that 48% of employees are unhappy in their current jobs, 1 percent up from 2012.

So if you are currently unhappy and find no way around to feel better than relax as it is only as common the other way round. However it does not mean that you always need to be in that 48% .To move to the greener side and to fall in love with working again, let us learn some strategy.

Make a conscious decision

If you are too miserable in your current job, do not believe that the culture of yours company if suitable for you and have no wish try hanging on it any further than no need to try motivational techniques. Than you belong to the not engaged worker group. It is time for you to think deeply if you are not engaged or actively disengaged.

Love working again
Identify which type of employee are you

Once you know your type you should dig the reason or reasons; behind it.If you are sure the reason is not you but the company than-Look for your perfect fit through your virtual networks in linkdin or other job sites. Review your CV and add your current skills trainings and start actively posting it to the firms you wish to fit in.

Look for your physical fitness

Work keep us busy officially 67% of time of a day so it naturally stress us out.Even after work some of us take the work load or work stress to home so it is quite essential to distress.

Love working again
Is your physical fitness being the reason behind your disengagement

It depends on you how you can keep your physical fitness.

Take your supervisor’s help

‘You do not leave a job, You leave a boss.’

According to Saratoga Research report 68% people leave their job because of their bosses.

Love working again
Saratoga Research Report on a sample size 2000 employee,

There are some mind readers who can read their subordinates attitude and do something about changing it. But many times it does not happen. If you cannot find a reason to be able to love your job again try to find out if this is for your supervisor.

Is he not trying to help you feel valuable? Do you think he does not support you in public? Do you feel he pressurize you? There can be a long list of question, think in every possible way about his support. List the grey areas that need more information or observation to be answered. Talk to him or a well wisher about the stuff going in your mind. Tell your boss how he can help you feel more engaged and valuable. It may be his appreciation or his cooperation whatever you need be honest with him. Every smart supervisor value his subordinate, so higher chances exist that he will actually help you out.

Take initiative or participation

There are many off the take desk programs in a company which indirectly tries to make employee employer bonding stronger. Happy hours, special events after office, product launching ceremony or success party etc. Try taking part in all of these offerings.

Love working again
Take initiative or participation

This activities will lift your boredom give you encouragement, if not so at least add more value to your skill list and let you be in more social relation with the colleagues from other departments with whom you do not need to hang out for job purpose on regular basis.

Moreover all this effort which meant only to make you feel better and stay focused may help you look more promising and inquisitive in eye of management, rather than those who do not participate in anything and have a skeptical view about everything.

Take advantage of the free capacity building workshops

Some companies ask employees to find their weak points and let HR know about it so that they can enroll into a course or training. Such initiatives are golden opportunities for learning something new or becoming more efficient in something old.

Love working again
Take advantage of the free capacity building workshops

So grab them whether you like you job or not grab all the advantages it offers. A part feeling more valuable and confident these training ,webinar or seminar may even open up opportunities to be friend with people of your interest and enrich your network. 

Take a new role to love working again

When you started your job we were quite fresh, at least to the firm so you happened to pay more attention to every detail, whether it is how other colleagues greeted on earlier days or how the delivery man could not identify you without someone’s help.

Love working agai
Take a new role

You used to find humor in many of these new thing and earlier fears of the “new office” gradually took off, however after some years none of these are paid any more attention to. Most of us do not bother to notice these small events which are more of a part of a getting along process. You have got to familiar with your role and its drawbacks. Whenever a new task arrives you either try to avoid it or view it skeptically as if it is a threat. If you are interested to give your job a try it can be helpful to take a new role or an additional pet project with another department. Initially it may raise your work load but it will let you step into that chair of beginners mind once again. You will be in touch with people of other department. You will view and be able to analytically think about another process apart from yours and finally you will enjoy playing another role for a change.

Love working again
before leaving the job it is only fair to be more insightful about your situation

These very simple techniques of how to love working again are worth trying right before you make the hard choice of leaving or switching job. Remember every job has plus and minus. There is no guarantee that your next job will not lead you to the same dissatisfaction in a few years. It does not mean that one should continue something which has no future growth opportunities but before leaving the job it is only fair to be more insightful about your situation.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage

Satisfaction is the feeling of a need being fulfilled. The need, which need not be always be physical.In fact in everyday’s married life the need of being emotionally cared and understood is more subtle yet prevalent.Their are many ways to Keep satisfaction checked in marriage .

 

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage

But when life becomes a routine very often we forget to nurture the relationship.It may sometime make us feel taken for granted or going weak in our marriage.Question is-are we satisfying our spouse enough that we may also feel acknowledged at the end of the day?

Sharing

Truly marriage becomes a companionship when each other care enough to share the smallest detail of the event that he/she finds interesting in everyday’s events.The other half at listening end thus get to know about his spouse more and admire more for her unique way of perceiving the things.

 

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Sharing connect each other creates posetivity

If couple lift each other out of dejection through sharing,it helps both to find an emotional and physical comfort.

 

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Source-This National Survey on the strengths of marriage versus the exclusive focus on problems. Using a sample of 21,501 married couples in 1999

Recognizing

Recognizing your partner’s efforts to make your life better can make him the happiest of all.It gives him a reason to do more and feel more satisfied.The truth about couple is though they may not know but one’s mere presence can uplift the other one’s  mood.Knowing it and actively letting your spouse understand that how much his presence matters to your life can be a great way to increase satisfaction in your married life.

Doing greater good

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Charity work done by couple does greater good to marriage

Doing something worthwhile adds positive impact in anyone’s life,which is hard to describe. When two person together does something great and selflessly for someone beyond themselves,their bonding not only becomes greater but also they take their relationship to a new level where they share the supremacy of being good to people.

Take responsibility for the mistakes

Knowing own fault in a situation and acknowledging it is not easy. If someone has the guts to take responsibility of his own mistakes, than not only he saves the situation from worsening but also creates a positive image on spouse’s mind.Perhaps a survey on conflict resolution will reveal the issues of not taking responsibility or not being flexible in argument settlement.

 

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Source-This National Survey on the strengths of marriage versus the exclusive focus on problems. in 1999

Keep promise

We often underestimate the power of keeping words. Only when someone breaks promise we realize the damage it creates in our relationships.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Keep promise

If you do not honor your words whether its about a big or a small thing than it results a vacuum in your relationship which was once filled with trust. He may no longer believe in your commitments.

Balance and share

Try swiping responsibilities with your partner. If it is about picking a kid from school, doing household chore or entertaining a guest at an odd hour do not hesitate to offer you turn to do the needful.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
This National Survey on the strengths of marriage versus the exclusive focus on problems in 1999

Once both get to know about the difficulty of each other’s work load than complains and frustration of doing the unwanted things all by himself evaporates. If someone in a relationship stays at home than he/she should be given equal access to income of the family so that no inferiority complexes piles up.

Encourage each other to learn

If you can open an alley for your partner to learn and grow than it will be such a selfless but beneficial act for your partner that he will love you more for it.If such a thing is not possible you can still encourage your spouse to learn grow, take care of herself. People who grow ,love themselves and love other around them.

Savor the silence

Sometimes the best solution to a problem is silence .It is merely not wise to retort back every time.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Savor silence cause retorting is not always a solution.

Know that some insults are unintended, some unkind words are result of stress or tiredness .Walking away from such situation will save energy and bitterness to a great extent. Even he will respect you more for not reacting and having patience, which will eventually increase satisfaction.

Support him at his best

Every person has different interest and his area of expertise on which he takes maximum pride and pleasure doing. Like my hubby is a good shopper. I encourage him shop for himself as much as he like, I encourage him to shop for kids too.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Encourage him at his interest it does strengthen your marriage (but not in so extreme limit as this picture)

This not only makes his days more fun but also Same thing goes with planning,he love to plan in details for trips.So when he does the booking and searching stuffs I try packing and other stuffs.This saves time and let the fun start for him,even before the trip starts.

Give it More

Don’t let giving become a score of which you keep a count of. The more you give occasionally or without any occasion the more number of times you say-I love you.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Tell him/her about your feelings more often

And the number of telling him that you care can only keep him satisfied, grateful and happier in marriage.

Knowing his weakness and helping out

Some people are not good with numbers, while some are poor at communicating. While one may take pride his performing the task of his area of interest than same time he may try to avoid his weak points. So knowing at which thing your spouse have difficulty and helping him in those areas will only strengthen your relation and increase satisfaction.

Let there be some space

Marriage is our first and primary priority. However we have friends and relatives who happen to like spending time with us and so do we. If both the spouse foster other relationship carefully and take some time off from own territory for having some fun time or playing duties to parents or anyone he/she feels obliged to than the other half should not be cynical or insecure. If this much space is ensured between couples than both of them feel refreshed and more keen to meet the better.

Keep satisfaction checked in marriage
Source-This National Survey on the strengths of marriage versus the exclusive focus on problems. 

All marriages have to experience through rough patches. But it should not linger more than necessary time. Small talks, some sacrifices, some thought full silence, some forgiveness and a lot of expression of love; that is all we need to Keep satisfaction checked in marriage; and the butterflies inside stomachs to fly much long after the honeymoon period ends.

Don’t push kids too much

Pushing our children to get good grade, eat healthy, go to school or be respectful to elders is nothing uncommon. As children grow in close surveillance of parents, we the proud parents feel like it is our duty to shape them into perfect human being, as well as fulfill our expectation out of them. To do this duty perfectly parents often try-nagging, criticizing, comparing, and lecturing even scolding. However we very often forget that it is only possible for parents to push kids at a short term context, because as soon as they grow up to be smart individual they sometimes even refuse to be seen with parents in public. A stage comes when everything parents do or ask from them seems like a pressure to the kids.So don’t push kids too much that they start to feel pressurized by your love.

Don't push kids too much
Every child resist control

Daryl Capuano, founder and educator of The Learning Consultants in New Haven, Conn also asks parents to not push kid by nagging or criticizing them. He does accept the fact that it is useful in short term result generation. He asks parents to be an inspiration not a nagger. Because if children are tired of the nagging style parenting they will only become worse and disrespectful.

Don't push kids too much
Don’t push kids too much

How a parent chose to motivate children depends on their parenting style. Parenting style has significant effect on a child’s development. It has an impact on his brain, academic results, mental strength, and every aspect of his personality. With only well wishes for own child a parent can sometime get very engaged and end up being an extremist. When a parent is so convinced that his intentions are good and that justifies his parenting style of being too pushy .Than it becomes hard to make him go another way or try something else. Some possible negative outcome of being a strict parent or being too much nagging is summarized here-

Hate school

It is only natural for parents to be concerned about children’s grade and expect them to excel. Some parents believe it is ok to make child study more and more for better results. There are kids who genuinely like to study or spend hours into books but in most cases children want to do more physical activity and practice less thoughtful actions like studying.

Don't push kids too much
too much pushing kid may end them hating school

Parent if keeps pushing the child only to study and not understand his other interests in sports or anything else than chances exist that he will bring good grades in short term and end of the day he will be hating school .

  • A research from american phychological association showed that- both in Germany (3500 students) and in the USA (12000 students) students did good on exam when parents had logical expectation ,but when parents expected unrealistically and nudged children to perform as per expectation than it backfired, student performed worse.

Psychological Problem-

Controlling parents, who believe that pushing a child hard is ok because if they do not push children, they won’t be able to make the most of them. However they often ignore the fact that children fails to develop self awareness and self esteem in the process.

Don't push kids too much
A point in life may come when they find themselves lost as they are no longer being guided that strongly.

Some of the children of too strict and dominating parents even suffer from anxiety and depression at very young age.

Some studies shows that many psychological problem are deep rooted from harsh parental approaches

  • ­ Research from Bor, Sanders, Markie­ Dadds, 2002 shows – children from preschool who seldom develop attention/hyperactive difficulties .Have history of experiencing coercive family interactions.
  • Predictive longitudinal studies from Patterson, Chamberlain, Reid, 1982 shows that unkind and incoherent parenting style causes later youth conduct problems.

Misconduct

Not all children becoming submissive and obedient under constant nagging of parents.

Don't push kids too much
There are many kids who simply outgrow the trauma and become disrespectful to parents.

Out of disgust they even choose to scream and violence. Such kids become more and more resilient to what parents ask from them and choose to be rebellious. Thus they feel like they have found freedom.

 

Submissiveness and Low self esteem

Dr. Eric Herman, a clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital of Michigan in Detroit says “It is only through accomplishing things that children develop earned self-esteem” Even when they achieve anything they hardly enjoys it as it was not their idea of achieving rather it was a mean to make their parent content.

Don't push kids too much
Such kids who lives under a constant pressure of being submissive to what their parents ask out of them, grows a subservient attitude in long run.

It makes them not to develop their own judgments, fear to express their feelings. They often seek for approval of others in doing or acting to anything. It effects quite adversely in their future life.

  • A study at University College London that was published in ‘The Journal of Positive Psychology’ found parents who are too controlling and often invade their children’s privacy risk creating long-term damage on their children. The study was conducted among 5,362 people from birth year 1946.They were questioned in their 30s 40s and 50s. It showed that such children had lower life satisfaction and poor mental well being

Trauma

Does our pressure at work help us to relax or feel recharged? The answer is No. Same thing is applicable for kids. When they are under pressure to behave in certain way they inherently do not feel like, they feel pressure. This stress can cause many psychological and physical problems. They keep gloomy in always feel tired. They may please their parent but in most cases they are traumatized and unhappy inside.

Don't push kids too much
Trauma of parents can lead to bigger problems

Historically Home work pressure has been charged as a main reason for giving birth to school haters however A survey on child stress found out 2nd leading reason is the pressure engraved by parents is 2nd biggest reason behind child stress.

Failed fear

It is very common for controlling parents to ask their children do something and when kids protest managing them by some ultimatum or some kind of fear. One of my friend shared such an experience where her mom used the fear of “You won’t get a good life” to make her daughter conform to her. However after using this technique for too long, a time finally the day come when the daughter (my friend) simply retorted that she no longer cares to have a good life. So beware moms and dads because- Fear comes with an expiration date, do not use it too often to have your ways.

Substance Addiction

Teenagers and young peoples reasons for substance addiction is as complex as their life. Where main causes behind substance addiction is highlighted as-

  • Boredom
  • Ignorance
  • Curiosity
  • Peer pressure

One very common reason is rebellion against pushing parents.

Different children choose different type of drugs or alcohol as a mean to show rebellions attitude or to cope with uber strict parents.

Don't push kids too much
Some kids look for substance addiction as a relief from stress

Some common drugs popular among teens and their reason of popularity is summarized here.

Name Purpose
Smoking cigaretes

 

Generally used by teenagers to flaunt independence.

Seldom used to as a rebellious weapon, provoke anger in parents.

LSD or Hallucinogens Termed as escape drugs, used by young people who feel like misunderstood uses it. People who want to avoid or bear with kind words or advice often choose it.
Methamphetamine  or meth

 

It encourages aggressive, violent behavior. Teenagers choose it to express their anxiety or anger. It is far more harmful than alcohol.
Marijuana Another avoidance drug. It reduces aggression.
Alcohol. Works like Meth but less detrimental

Poor health and habits

Effect of anxiety in our body is a well established fact. It directly affect our cardiovascular system, reproduction system, digestive system, central nervous system (which controls sleep, thinking process).It is only normal for parents to find out a child gets sick right before his test or a special day of every week.

Don't push kids too much
Stress of exam or fear of failing parents expectation can lead to poor health condition

It usually happens when he is too afraid to under perform in anything and get sick out of stress.

International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity 2014 published a report o 288 parent and their kids aging from 6-12.

Don't push kids too much
Poor food choices often comes from stress

 

Motive of the study was to find out effect of too strict parents on children’s health and habit. Result is summarized below-

don't push kids too much
Relation between poor eating habit and coercive parenting

So knowing the facts and side effects it is strongly recommended by experts to have patience and be supportive to kids.

Control, fear, nagging all may have ways in short term but for raising a confident and sound kid this cannot be the only means. Rather openness, reasoning with the child, communicating parent’s view and judgments; showing more warmth and responsiveness, can make the children more understanding.So don’t push kids too much and let them have the spirit that they are their own boss and it is up to them to be excellent.

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems

Less sleep causes depression + psychological problems
sleep deprivation causes Psychological problems

It is still not fully proved how sleep problem leads to depression.Lack of sleep  reduces the hormone that helps many neurological functions. According to US national library of medicine national institute of health-Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems for many individual

So Chris did you sleep well at night? I was smiling trying to be cool, but truth is I was feeling helpless. I was standing in the class with a blank look. I could not respond to my professor’s question. He figured something out and asked me about my sleep deprivation pattern. I assume he knew  less sleep causes depression and psychological problems, and wanted to warn me.

It happened to me many more time. Staying awake at night and snoring in class. I used to think it does not do material harm to me. However when I was researching on the reasons behind depression and mood swings; I found some interesting facts about sleep.

Insomnia and Depression

A survey says 15-20% insomniacs are later diagnosed with

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
1 in 5 insomniacs suffers from Depression

depression.Also panic disorder test on 10000 adult shows that developing panic disorder is 20 times more likely among people who suffer from chronic insomnia or sleep deprivation.

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
Risk of panic disorder is 20 times higher among insomniac

How sleep problem leads to depression is still not fully proved. One fact is sure that depressed people sleep less or have more sleeping disorder. According to US national library of medicine national institute of health-

  • 75% or more depressed people have insomnia symptom.
  • 40% Young adult (aged less than 30) who suffer from depression also suffer from hyper insomnia.
  • 10% Older patients (in 50s) who suffer from depression also suffer from hyper insomnia.

Lack of sleep is more common in Woman

Unfortunately women suffer from more sleep deprivation.This might be another reason why more woman suffer from mood swings and psychological disorders.According to the In The Great British Sleep Survey  women has 10% less sleep score on an average.

Sleep disorder and quality of life

Sleeping disorder has a significant effect on a person’s quality of life.

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
impact of poor sleep on regular people

 UK conducted a questionnaire based survey to find out the effect of  sleep deprivation on depressed people. Result on depressed people showed that sleepless nights can lead to a restless day and affect quality of life significantly.

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
Associated daytime symptoms from sleeping disorder among depressed people

This figure show people who lacked sleep last night faced  difficulty in daytime .

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
effect on quality of life from lack of sleep

This figure shows 98% responded felt that deprivation of sleep caused their quality of life.Only 2% said it had no impact.

Another UK based study in 2011 says on an average 50% of people has problem with sleep.Again in 2016 it was revealed 50% female population of UK are sleep deprived. In The Great British Sleep Survey of 11,129 regular adults, the result shows ‘Sound and adequate sleep’ is a very scarce item and lack of it causes pain in everyday life.

  • Among the people who felt their sleep was not sufficient 75% was women.
  • 55% were having difficulties in relationship because of it.
  • 77% were having problems with concentration.
  • 64% said it reduced their productivity.
  • 83% had mood swings.
  • 93% felt low in energy.

Sleep and memory

Did you ever go blank in an exam?It may have happened because of many reasons but science says it may be because you slept less than required.

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
how long to sleep for different benefits

Sleep promotes memory consolidation. In Alzheimer amyloid accumulates and the patient feel problem to fell asleep. Elderly people also face problem with remembering things.It is mostly attributed to their less sleep schedule.

Sleep in which we dream is called REM (Rapid Eye Movement) has a great impact in acquisition of objects which are emotionally charged and complex (declarative memory).Without such acquisition we can not remember our learned object.

Deep and sound sleep without dream is called SWS (Slow wave sleep). It also plays crucial role in building declarative memory. So if you are not sleeping enough, you are also risking the process of memory building and learning.

Sleep is scarce sleep is valuable as- Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems

Sleep is scarce and valuable.It  totally fit in the definition of a commodity. Industry has recognized it, using it as a hot item. Personal fitness, activity, sleep tracking devices are much in demand today. These devices generated over 290 million dollars in 2015.Hotels are trying to make it  easier for their guests to sleep well.Hotel offers better mattress,more pillows,soothing sounds, highly efficient sheets.Airlines are offering noise cancellation, flat bed seats, improved food that is digestive and easy for sleep.

Less sleep causes depression and psychological problems
your mindset can help you to sleep

I do not know how much all these are helpful when we have a problem inside. When we are over thinking about the day we just spent.When we are worrying too much about the next day or something in near future. When we are so busy and chronically sleep deprived we forget the magical impact of 10 minutes of peace and mindfulness.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!

Why it is important for girls to get gifts on special days
To give a gift or not to give a gift?

Giving gift is a favorite subject of behavioral science, psychology, anthropology. Psychologists often say it is the giver rather than the recipient who often benefits physiologically more by having the satisfaction showing gratitude to a close one.So if it is a Special occasion it is wise to Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!

Why it is important for girls to get gifts on special days is surely a topic of research on this age of marketing . A 2005 survey showed-4 out of every 5 American consider gift giving culture to be a materialistic one.Many of them believe it is not worthy to endure all the traffic, advertising tricks and adverse effect of falling economy just to impress someone on a special occasion.However history says if it is a Special occasion,Uplift wife effortlessly with gift! it is a risk free technique.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
Research result by Centre of New American dream (year 2005)

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift! vs Missing out significant bond

Researcher says people who ignores gift giving custom are surely missing out a very significant bond with family and friends.

Once I found a consumer phychologist Margaret Rucker from University of California saying that men are more practical and price conscious than woman while it comes to gift giving ritual.

However another study (Georgian Institute for consumer research in 2015) in Valentine’s days gift giving ritual revealed Men spends more on gift for their love of life than women.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
Men feel better if they win in terms of giving a gift with more price

Also men feel better if they win in terms of giving a gift with more value (in terms of money).

I am quoting some other interesting fact of this study that clearly indicates the behavioral difference between man and woman, married and unmarried couples when it comes to the question of giving gift on valentines day-

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
Mostly those who are married or in a committed relationship wants to spend for valentines day gift

One of my friends once told me that birthday, anniversary, valentine’s day are the days that  give him panic attacks rather than the AGM or monthly sales meetings. Later on I realized he was basically a sensitive enough person to be taken his spouse’s reaction or (over reaction) so importantly! Even if you care enough you can sometime feel like it is perfectly ok to skip giving your long time girlfriend or wife an anniversary gift .Some partners may accept it and verbally say-‘it is ok’. But deep down women are these sensitive and emotional creature who always seek for recognition from the people important in their life.

So not caring enough to bring her a gift in her special day out of-laziness, selfishness or carelessness is most of the time not forgivable. Such action may raise many questions in her mind-for example-

“He no longer loves me as much he used to be”.

“He has too much work pressure and I am not a priority anymore”.

Most dangerous-“He may have someone else in life that he puts forth me”.

None of these thought is healthy or helpful for your relationship. So before such thoughts make her feel hurt and her pain turns into anger be ready to spend some money and get your back covered. Who knows 50 bucks can eventually save you from a post anniversary showdown or serious mood swings.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
Source: Georgian Institute for consumer research -2015-Men vs women on choice of Valentines Day gift

Before moving any further-I am sharing another interesting study on the behavioral difference between men and women in terms of choosing a gift for the other half-

If you are wondering “What to get my wife in her birthday or anniversary”  than this chart may help you. Again here are some ingenious techniques that are easy to follow and unlikely to fail-

Wrap the gift

No matter how confused you are about the gift you got for her, a beautiful ribbon or an aesthetic wrapper will surely impress her and she will definitely give you a bow for wanting to put that much effort in it.If you are not so good at such craftiness than believe me you are in luck. Because most women can’t help feeling more in love to the idea of-“His effort were true but his helplessness did not let him to do it marvelously”

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
wrapping the gift adds so much value

Cook for Her

If you are a good cook than it is not much of an effort for you. In your Wife’s birthday or your anniversary gift her with a self made dinner/lunch.If you are  a person who cannot  even lit a stove than she will be happy if you genuinely help her in the kitchen like a team.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
Cooking together is a priceless gift for her

You may end up doing not much and you may only be able to do the prep work for cooking, still the thought of your being in her team is a form of romantic solidarity that will truly make her feel going strong in her companionship with you. Home cooked meal is day by day being categorized as one the most romantic gesture. A survey in Australia revealed some of the facts summarized below

Perspective on home cooked meal Percentage
Nothing beats a romantic dinner 66%
Important for any romantic dinner 30%
Believing good food and drink is key to heart 59% men, 69% women
Nothing is more enjoyable than cooking favorite food for partner 68%  women, 62% men
Ability to listen to hear each other talk 43%
Less expensive than having dinner out 52%

 

Surprise at 12 

This is what my hubby does every year and I never feel a little less happy. No matter how repetitive it becomes it always fills me with joy. Being a cake lover, I also love the fact that he cares enough to buy me cake from my favorite bakers. With kids in the picture you can include them into making a greeting card or a craft gift for their mom too. This will definitely help you get some extra credit for something you put no effort on other than being the mastermind.

 

Dinner Date

This time of year you have to keep your bag ready for the treat that can make her feel special. Some women like expensive boutique hotels, some may opt for a open air dinner date.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
Dinner dates never fail to impress her

The man can get a hint or can guess from previous experiences which are his partner’s preference. One thing to keep in mind is arrange for a babysitter in advance, because sometime even the most loving mom wants some alone time with her hubby.

Flower

The effortless, priceless, timeless gift of all time is a bunch of rose. You can buy Lily or any other favorite flower of her.A study on Floral purchasing study conducted in 2005 ,among 25-55 year old people, revealed some valuable insights to this topic which proves flowers are infalliable gift for women.

Regarding the quality of the flower 93% importance is given the freshness and quality. So while buying flower freshness and quality must not be negotiated. Do not go for it only because it is cheap. Rather go for it because it is romantic. Partners are gifted with this sixth sense that can reveal your true intention to them in most unwanted moment.

Uplift wife effortlessly with gift!
What kind of gift one gives also signals how serious one’s partner is about the other half.

One of the absolute way of showing importance to our partner is giving a gift. What kind of gift one gives also signals how serious one’s partner is about the other half. A woman once told that she knew that her marriage was over when her husband gave her a sharp knife in a grocery bag as a gift.

By stopping to give gift to your partner people often misses out the warmth in a relationship. The biggest reward of giving a meaningful or lovely gift is to us. It gives us the filling of fulfilling out partner’s need. It reinforces our feelings for our other halves.So beware about the mood swing and uplift wife effortlessly with gift!

If women were rewarded with love everyday and reminded every other day that her existence is all that make her partner feel special and secure, than forgetting special days and not bringing gifts in occasions would have been of lesser importance. But it rarely happens. So it is never ok to not recognize her even on her special days.