Do you love your parent –Yes, Do you hate your parent sometimes…I guess the answer is also yes. No matter how old you become you still have a struggle of- power or opinion with your parent.It is continuous struggle of power but study shows some phases are worse than others.To Survive hardest phase of parenting there some useful technique proved successful over the time.
It is the mother nature of parents who try to make children’s life perfect. On the other hand children want to explore and many times do not care if it is as bad as parent predicted, because as soon as the child grow a self awareness he/she want his separate identity and freedom. Result is mostly a conflict with parents.
So which is the hardest time for a parent in raising a kid-Infant, toddler, junior high, and high school or afterwards? Every age has special needs and special challenges.
Infants are attention seeker-
They need help to sleep, to eat, to be cleaned. Parents have to accept the fact that they will be sleep deprived and always tired doing everything for the baby.
Toddler years are also challenging-
Feeding toddler right food, answering to his never ending queries, Teaching him the ways to fit in the world and restraining him from the forbidden obsessions like-watching i-pad nonstop, eating chocolate all the time. Very often parent have to play the bad cop in this stage.
When trying to survive hardest phase of parenting nature of expected challenges
Children aging 12-14 are those who want freedom and want to belong to the society at the same time. They go through more challenge as stepping to high school and facing the competition, making significant educational choices that are likely to influence their career. These struggling kids may start their struggle in adjacent years and continue little longer, in most cases. As they find it difficult to fit in while going through the adolescent changes they happen to reflect it in their behavior. At these stage children are afraid of the judgment and persist being judgmental same time. Parents specially mothers being the closest one to children gets the heat most. As the adage say ‘We often behave worst with the most loved ones”. According to the study moms of middle schoolers feel –least satisfied, more distressed, and suffer from emptiness.
Weapons at battlefield
Yap its nothing less than a battle so weapons has to be consistent, user friendly and properly timed.
Be more neutral
Any mom knows how delicate this is. No matter how much she tries she cannot be an unbiased third person. However it is main reason why children at this stage want to go at some distance.
They want privacy and want to make choices on own. So Mom has to be prepared to let her daughter shop for herself and let her make some mistakes and learns by herself. Same thing goes for son as well. Let them go out but be sure to be aware of whereabouts.
Talk to children more often
As their life may get a higher pace for your teen child, it may become difficult to have meals at same table same time, do not force them into rules. Rather make time to meet them.
Find the time to talk about your day and in response ask them about their day. When asked for opinion give your perspectives do not make decision.
Live in the same planet
Yap you read it right. I know some parents too supportive and liberal that they never let children know the hardship they go through in their life. Definitely children at 12 are still kids, yet it is required to make them understand your life is also hard. That means share your problem to some extent with them and see what innovative solution they have to give. This will build a trust between you two your child will be glad to be treated as an adult and will be more careful next time he/she snarl at you.
Talk to other parents
Same aged children generally go through some common behavioral pattern.If you talk to other parents things may become easier and you may get more insight to your own situation. If nothing matches at least you will be less burdened with the unspoken absence of fulfillment.
Do not lose it
You may have break into tears or barked in anger at your toddler and next thing was hugging him/her and saying sorry. However teens are neither so forgiving nor forgetful. So even though you are super anxious or very angry do not react at the sphere of the moment.
After all you are their first role model. So take time and talk to the other parent (if it is a two parent family) about what punishment to announce. Situation should not be something you are saying something and partner is disapproving in front of the kids. Also talk to your teen child about the punishment and make sure he/she agrees on its fairness.
Take the advantage
After so many years of overly active parenting you have entered to a phase where you have some time for yourself. Whether you like it or not it is going to be different from now on. Of course you won’t let your child go on all by him, but surely you are enjoying more free time. Rather than relinquishing your sweet memory of parenting be little more fun.Apart from worrying how to survive hardest phase of parenting Give your life a second chance to do the things you wished to do.Try learning a new skill, language, yoga whatever you think interests you and will help you to be more cheerful.
Those who are wondering-Why one need to fall in love with working again, don’t people already love there job?I have some perspective to share.Job the three letter word mostly led us through the sleepless nights before exam and the dreadful waiting period of JOB search. When we finally land to the field of unemployed pool we usually never wonder that a point of life may arrive when we could get bore with the job we used to aspire.This is the phase when one need to love working again.
However it happens to every 1 out of 3 employees. That surely does not mean that all of them quit. While some keep being miserable, some quit and start business or look for another job, some take action to feel better in existing job.
In 2013 Kelly Services’ a staffing agency in a global annual survey where 120,000 respondents participated said- that 48% of employees are unhappy in their current jobs, 1 percent up from 2012.
So if you are currently unhappy and find no way around to feel better than relax as it is only as common the other way round. However it does not mean that you always need to be in that 48% .To move to the greener side and to fall in love with working again, let us learn some strategy.
Make a conscious decision
If you are too miserable in your current job, do not believe that the culture of yours company if suitable for you and have no wish try hanging on it any further than no need to try motivational techniques. Than you belong to the not engaged worker group. It is time for you to think deeply if you are not engaged or actively disengaged.
Once you know your type you should dig the reason or reasons; behind it.If you are sure the reason is not you but the company than-Look for your perfect fit through your virtual networks in linkdin or other job sites. Review your CV and add your current skills trainings and start actively posting it to the firms you wish to fit in.
Look for your physical fitness
Work keep us busy officially 67% of time of a day so it naturally stress us out.Even after work some of us take the work load or work stress to home so it is quite essential to distress.
It depends on you how you can keep your physical fitness.
Take your supervisor’s help
‘You do not leave a job, You leave a boss.’
According to Saratoga Research report 68% people leave their job because of their bosses.
There are some mind readers who can read their subordinates attitude and do something about changing it. But many times it does not happen. If you cannot find a reason to be able to love your job again try to find out if this is for your supervisor.
Is he not trying to help you feel valuable? Do you think he does not support you in public? Do you feel he pressurize you? There can be a long list of question, think in every possible way about his support. List the grey areas that need more information or observation to be answered. Talk to him or a well wisher about the stuff going in your mind. Tell your boss how he can help you feel more engaged and valuable. It may be his appreciation or his cooperation whatever you need be honest with him. Every smart supervisor value his subordinate, so higher chances exist that he will actually help you out.
Take initiative or participation
There are many off the take desk programs in a company which indirectly tries to make employee employer bonding stronger. Happy hours, special events after office, product launching ceremony or success party etc. Try taking part in all of these offerings.
This activities will lift your boredom give you encouragement, if not so at least add more value to your skill list and let you be in more social relation with the colleagues from other departments with whom you do not need to hang out for job purpose on regular basis.
Moreover all this effort which meant only to make you feel better and stay focused may help you look more promising and inquisitive in eye of management, rather than those who do not participate in anything and have a skeptical view about everything.
Take advantage of the free capacity building workshops
Some companies ask employees to find their weak points and let HR know about it so that they can enroll into a course or training. Such initiatives are golden opportunities for learning something new or becoming more efficient in something old.
So grab them whether you like you job or not grab all the advantages it offers. A part feeling more valuable and confident these training ,webinar or seminar may even open up opportunities to be friend with people of your interest and enrich your network.
Take a new role to love working again
When you started your job we were quite fresh, at least to the firm so you happened to pay more attention to every detail, whether it is how other colleagues greeted on earlier days or how the delivery man could not identify you without someone’s help.
You used to find humor in many of these new thing and earlier fears of the “new office” gradually took off, however after some years none of these are paid any more attention to. Most of us do not bother to notice these small events which are more of a part of a getting along process. You have got to familiar with your role and its drawbacks. Whenever a new task arrives you either try to avoid it or view it skeptically as if it is a threat. If you are interested to give your job a try it can be helpful to take a new role or an additional pet project with another department. Initially it may raise your work load but it will let you step into that chair of beginners mind once again. You will be in touch with people of other department. You will view and be able to analytically think about another process apart from yours and finally you will enjoy playing another role for a change.
These very simple techniques of how to love working again are worth trying right before you make the hard choice of leaving or switching job. Remember every job has plus and minus. There is no guarantee that your next job will not lead you to the same dissatisfaction in a few years. It does not mean that one should continue something which has no future growth opportunities but before leaving the job it is only fair to be more insightful about your situation.
Satisfaction is the feeling of a need being fulfilled. The need, which need not be always be physical.In fact in everyday’s married life the need of being emotionally cared and understood is more subtle yet prevalent.Their are many ways to Keep satisfaction checked in marriage .
But when life becomes a routine very often we forget to nurture the relationship.It may sometime make us feel taken for granted or going weak in our marriage.Question is-are we satisfying our spouse enough that we may also feel acknowledged at the end of the day?
Truly marriage becomes a companionship when each other care enough to share the smallest detail of the event that he/she finds interesting in everyday’s events.The other half at listening end thus get to know about his spouse more and admire more for her unique way of perceiving the things.
If couple lift each other out of dejection through sharing,it helps both to find an emotional and physical comfort.
Recognizing your partner’s efforts to make your life better can make him the happiest of all.It gives him a reason to do more and feel more satisfied.The truth about couple is though they may not know but one’s mere presence can uplift the other one’s mood.Knowing it and actively letting your spouse understand that how much his presence matters to your life can be a great way to increase satisfaction in your married life.
Doing greater good
Doing something worthwhile adds positive impact in anyone’s life,which is hard to describe. When two person together does something great and selflessly for someone beyond themselves,their bonding not only becomes greater but also they take their relationship to a new level where they share the supremacy of being good to people.
Take responsibility for the mistakes
Knowing own fault in a situation and acknowledging it is not easy. If someone has the guts to take responsibility of his own mistakes, than not only he saves the situation from worsening but also creates a positive image on spouse’s mind.Perhaps a survey on conflict resolution will reveal the issues of not taking responsibility or not being flexible in argument settlement.
We often underestimate the power of keeping words. Only when someone breaks promise we realize the damage it creates in our relationships.
If you do not honor your words whether its about a big or a small thing than it results a vacuum in your relationship which was once filled with trust. He may no longer believe in your commitments.
Balance and share
Try swiping responsibilities with your partner. If it is about picking a kid from school, doing household chore or entertaining a guest at an odd hour do not hesitate to offer you turn to do the needful.
Once both get to know about the difficulty of each other’s work load than complains and frustration of doing the unwanted things all by himself evaporates. If someone in a relationship stays at home than he/she should be given equal access to income of the family so that no inferiority complexes piles up.
Encourage each other to learn
If you can open an alley for your partner to learn and grow than it will be such a selfless but beneficial act for your partner that he will love you more for it.If such a thing is not possible you can still encourage your spouse to learn grow, take care of herself. People who grow ,love themselves and love other around them.
Savor the silence
Sometimes the best solution to a problem is silence .It is merely not wise to retort back every time.
Know that some insults are unintended, some unkind words are result of stress or tiredness .Walking away from such situation will save energy and bitterness to a great extent. Even he will respect you more for not reacting and having patience, which will eventually increase satisfaction.
Support him at his best
Every person has different interest and his area of expertise on which he takes maximum pride and pleasure doing. Like my hubby is a good shopper. I encourage him shop for himself as much as he like, I encourage him to shop for kids too.
This not only makes his days more fun but also Same thing goes with planning,he love to plan in details for trips.So when he does the booking and searching stuffs I try packing and other stuffs.This saves time and let the fun start for him,even before the trip starts.
Give it More
Don’t let giving become a score of which you keep a count of. The more you give occasionally or without any occasion the more number of times you say-I love you.
And the number of telling him that you care can only keep him satisfied, grateful and happier in marriage.
Knowing his weakness and helping out
Some people are not good with numbers, while some are poor at communicating. While one may take pride his performing the task of his area of interest than same time he may try to avoid his weak points. So knowing at which thing your spouse have difficulty and helping him in those areas will only strengthen your relation and increase satisfaction.
Let there be some space
Marriage is our first and primary priority. However we have friends and relatives who happen to like spending time with us and so do we. If both the spouse foster other relationship carefully and take some time off from own territory for having some fun time or playing duties to parents or anyone he/she feels obliged to than the other half should not be cynical or insecure. If this much space is ensured between couples than both of them feel refreshed and more keen to meet the better.
All marriages have to experience through rough patches. But it should not linger more than necessary time. Small talks, some sacrifices, some thought full silence, some forgiveness and a lot of expression of love; that is all we need to Keep satisfaction checked in marriage; and the butterflies inside stomachs to fly much long after the honeymoon period ends.
It was my coworker in office,who joined 2 year after me in one designation down.He achieved his education from a better place than mine,was very involved in work like me and soon became more popular to my boss (whose work I used to worship those days).I sensed a serge of fear was crawling inside me.The fear was he will be considered as a better option to my boss.Yes competition is the word.I took him as a competition, however I decided to take the highway and believed in the technique to ‘achieve resilience’. I kept helping him with the material ,I thought will be useful for his work (while auto suggesting myself I do not need to get insecure).He happened to not continue that job for long.Many years later when I came across him, he introduced me to another colleague as an extraordinarily helpful coworker.Well, it was not a thoughtful attempt but today when I look back at my actions and how it helped me to come in peace with my insecurity,I feel like it was a coping mechanism for me.By showing someone that I am not insecure and making myself forcefully slap the fear, I was actually being resilient.Where from I achieve resilience at that time I had no clue,but today well I can give you some insight into the topic from my research.
What is resilience? If ask Google the definition it will provide are many, however the one line that I liked was
‘The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness’
Difficulty which can be a- physical disability, a mental state, a disaster on earth that leaves people shocked or anything which make life harder in any way can overcome by only being resilient
Resilience is quite a scientific concept,it helps to alleviate worry ,depression or stress. It has many aspects –
Physical soundness is a plus-
Physical ‘toughening’ and ‘tempering’ is a form of resilience. Physically healthy person withstand stress for longer time.
The person who is active and sound has more courage and strength to fight stress. A physically tough person has a stable blood pressure, controlled sugar level these elements have alliances with relieving stress or anxiety.
Exercising can help to feel more physically active and relieve stress. It also increases sleep, good sleep equip human to be more resilient. Exercise improves neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which improve health of brain.
In psychological resilience it is encouraged to view-situations as challenges, not threats.
Appraisal of a situation matters-
How a person appraisal a situation has direct effect on his brain and mind.If viewed a situation as threat brain signal fear and pituitary ,adrenal glands releases stress hormone. It raises blood pressure and blood glucose.
Challenge Vs Threat
If a person perceive a situation as challenge than he can use brain efficiently to solve the problem. His ability to think functions better than a stressed person. He even feel rejuvenated as he can see hope in the end of winning a challenge unlike an afraid person.
Sufficient outer supports
To be resilient while it is important to feel encouraged and be physically healthy while facing a problem, external support like–money, place to live, education, friend and family’s co operation, social acceptance can also help a lot to thrive.
If social ,financial support stays with a person, than resilience become easier.
Looking for solution by getting involved
Luthar (2006) states that, “Resilience is defined as a phenomenon or process reflecting relatively positive adaptation despite experiences of significant adversity or trauma” In other words, One cannot claim to achieve resilience in absence of significant stressor. Rejection of a traumatized event or withdrawal from an existing stress will only make coping with the stress tougher. Resilience is not a static phenomenon it is more of a situation specific game changer.
One technique of survival will not be adequate in all situations. A person has to get involved to understand the complexity of the situation and then act on it.
Early childhood is the base–
Resilience is different in different ages. It get stronger with age and learning, though the base formed at early childhood.
Kim-Cohen and colleagues (2004) using data from the Environmental Risk Longitudinal Twin Study (1,116 twins born to low socioeconomic status families) found cognitive and behavioral resilience are influenced by both genetic factors, like temperament or personality; and environmental factors like mother’s care and parenting style. He also found that even genetic components can be tailored by the environment.
Importance of learning continues after childhood-
In adults resilience is viewed as an aspect that helps someone to function normally while dealing with difficulties of a traumatic event or series of event.
In adolescence resilience is conceptualized both as a learning and development process and ability to cope with traumatic events.
Brain changing factor is learning
In other words learning is a key component of resilience. In last decade it has been established that our brain can changes shape, this shaping is resourced by learning.
More we experience more we learn. More we learn easier it becomes for us to respond in certain way in certain situation. New connection grows between brain cells. Learning also heal the damages made by stress like hypocampus.
Jerry L. Patterson and Paul Kelleher in their book Resilient School Leaders has shown a dimension of resilience which is pretty easy to consume and helpful to understand how to become more resilient.
These dimensions from “comprehensive resilience framework”: Shows resilience is not a one line definition. Moreover it is an ongoing process that results from a cause-and-effect chain reaction of something adverse happening to someone and reacting back to it.
Also it shows power of having stronger resilience depends on personal capacity and optimism. One who did not have a supportive childhood can still develop resilience in adulthood through attitude towards life, learning and experiences.
On a finishing note I won’t stretch more on how to be more resilient, the subject how to achieve resilience has been pretty much covered by now I believe, just want to refer to a quote from the web that simplifies the whole topic-“Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive.”
Doing charity work giving, donation is supposed to do well to others. One can also assume that such action is also rejuvenating for one’s mental health as it actually put the giver in a superior position and give him ‘self actualization’ vibes. But did we know donation, charity work even a simple act of supporting your spouse or relatives have impact on the live span of yours! Unbelievable yet research suggests Donating and Volunteering for healthier life is a very good health scheme.
This is a survey report of United Health Group, conducted by Harris Interactive on 3,351 adults in 2013.
Donation increases life span-
In a study of University of California, Berkeley it was revealed that elderly people who volunteers for charity work in one or two organization are 44% more likely to live 5 year more than the non volunteers
It showed that volunteering and charity work even beats controlling for age , exercise habit, general health and controlling of poisonous habits like smoking in rate of positivity.
In a 2003 study on similar topic also supported the same story. It revealed elderly couples showing empathy offering real help to friends, relatives or even emotional support to spouses had a higher life expectancy.
However those at the receiving end did not have the same life expectancy.
Donation makes people happier than buying goods for them selves
A study in Harvard Business School in 2008 revealed that giving money to other actually gave participants more pleasure than spending it on themselves.
It was found that an act of charity activates portion of our brain that are related to pleasure, social connection, faith or trust.
Charity work or donation releases “endorphins” in brain that produces positive feelings.
Charity and donation helps people to feel better by relieving stress of everyday life.
A study in 2006 by Rachel Piferi and Kathlen Lawler revealed the fact that people who gave social support to others had lower blood pressure than other who did not provide such charity or support. Also 78% of United Health group studies revealed that volunteers can sense a decrease in their stress level through helping other.
. They can connect with the people they extend help to and feel more needed and more important.
Donation or Charity improves social connection
When someone offers help he not only feels like a better human being he also creates a positive portrait of himself in other’s mind. Everybody like a selfless person and want to help him in return at some other time.
The exchange of charity will encourage a sense of trust and gratitude, this will lead to a long term bonding and greater good for both end. Good feeling and such positivity eventually results better mental and physical health, shown in many sociologist’s studies.
Donation can be as much pleasures as sex as contagious as virus!
Donating and Volunteering for healthier life is not limited to make one feel only healthier.It can make ones libido satisfied too.Giving donation or doing charity gives as much pleasure as much sex can-
It has been found that donation and charity work releases oxytocin. Oxitocin is the hormone that is also released during sex and breast feeding. Moreover if someone is given oxytocin as a dose, he is likely to feel more generous and giving for at least next two hour. Such people with high level of oxytocin can eventually start a virtuous circle where someone’s generosity influences other to be generous as well. These networks can actually be contagious and make more and more people encouraged to give more, donate more and be more generous.
Giving can make you do more exercise –
Yes you read it right. Giving enduce a sense of gratitude in life. It is out of gratitude we want to give someone something; also the receiver feels gratitude as he is benefited by our any form of giving. Gratitude has been proved to be a part and parcel in happiness, social bond and in case of health too.
who ran Gratitude and Thankfulness found that while they taught collage students about counting their blessing those students felt thankful for the things they have in other words they felt gratitude. Which encouraged them to live a healthier life love themselves, feeling more optimistic and doing regular exercise,revealed from A study of Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough. So giving has the power not to only strengthening the power of social connection but it evokes gratitude which leads to a better life in every way.
Donation and volunteering for better working skill
The population that took part in United Health Group’s Volunteering is good for health campaign, mostly agreed on the fact that they took volunteering to improve their health. As they feel healthier, less stressed and more engaged they can concentrate on work more According to them volunteering improved their working and people skill too.
Giving let people have better personal score
People who engage themselves in selfless activities like giving donation and volunteering are researched to have better personal scores than people who do not engage into such act, on nine well-established measures of emotional well being. It includes personal independence, ability to develop good interpersonal relationships and satisfaction with life. Giving and acts like volunteering let people feel good emotionally, physically and mentally.
Traditionally good health was presumed to be a set numbers derived from heart beat, cholesterol, blood count etc but these perimeters more fully depends on emotional states, mental state, and quality of life. By giving and volunteering one can find the purpose and the meaning of life. In every state he feels more powerful and handful. A fulfilled person takes joy in small things of living and can reach to the state of self actualization. So Donating and Volunteering for healthier life is a noble health trick where every one lands to a win win situation.
A powerful video that encourage us to give more often.
Gone are the days when an employer could get his recruits to do as the wanted, through direct order and indirect coercion. Today management has to communicate to the employees in a convincing way so that employer can validate his requirement. In our day to day life we often feel the urge to make other understand our point of view and do as we wish. We rarely like to talk to a person whose point of view significantly differs from ours. These all are example of our need to pursue other. The science of persuasion and adaptation has a lot to do with psychology. If one can identifies what makes the other person to alter or to move from his position than 60% of Strategies to convince people is acquired.
Here I shall be discussing how to convince other in context of psychology and in terms of popularly identified persuasion techniques.
Analogy and examples work as very useful convincing techniques
An attractive well dressed speaker can convince better
Calm and confident approach helps big time
It is suggested to look into eye to engage the person
While giving a messages, be careful that it does not look like it is trying to pursue someone.
Research says showing a neutral approach helps
Never feel or show doubt on own opinion for a blink of eye
Show respect even when other person is illogical and invincible
Presenting arguments from both sides while refuting wrong side.
When only two people are to present with no time of interval, than the first person gets more point to convince.
When only two people are to present with a reasonable interval than the last person gets more power to convince
Audience aging 18-25 are easier to convince
Lower intelligence and low to moderate self esteem in audience, can go in favor of the speaker
Neutral words and words that do not stress on the sentence are more persuasive.
The adage of ‘A picture is worth thousand words’ is very applicable in this context. A few important findings about picture as a method to convince people are stated below
If a picture of a celebrity is given while publishing the statement that he/she has died;than it gets more credibility, however same news without picture is mostly either overlooked or not taken seriously- Found in a research by Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand.
Relevant pictures are best to be used as a convincing technique, yet totally irrelevant picture can also drag attention more than news without any picture.
Showing certainty and using definitive words, while trying to pursue someone does not work as good as showing a little bit uncertainty does. Research from Clarkson, Tbormala and Rucker shows that Emotional attack bring resilience whilst cognitive attacks softens the defense. It is also termed as Hypothesis. Specially when it’s a matter of
Give an inch and gain a mile
Agreeing on a smaller issue with the person one wants to convince puts him in the mutually assertive position. Other person feels more common with the speaker. This helps him to feel winning and less pressurized. He will open up about speaker’s issue and further positive and logical discussion will lead to speaker’s favor.
Information Manipulation Theory
By deceiving, telling untruth or partial truth, confusing the listener one can sometime convince people or slightly changing the subject on which presentation is suppose to be made one can attain other person’s confidence and pursue him.
This age old technique of persuasion is known as Information manipulation theory. This theory involves convincing a person or group by knowingly breaking one of these four untold rule of conversation-
Quantity: The Information provided is complete
Quality: The Information provided is ingenuous and accurate.
Relation: The Information provided is relevant to the conversation.
Manner: The Information provided is easily understandable, body language, tone of the speaker everything are in sync with the belief that the information is pure and unquestionable.
This technique is most in use in marketing. When shops gives advertisement on limited edition (scarcity of quantity) , clearance sale for a short time (scarcity of time) then they create this need among people to have something before it is sold and becomes unavailable for good.
This is called scarcity principle; the urge to have something one believes is scarce in nature. One wants to spare himself from the regret of not having it so he owns it ,sometimes without thinking if he really needs it.
When minority revolt
In a team, sometimes minority may have a different opinion. If the minority is certain of the opinion and show four major attributes that is required to establish their argument than majority will subdue. It so happen as many members in majority group are mostly delusional or just support the majority as a trend, without really believing the vision..In such scenario when a minority rises with a
Confidence in presenting different views and confidence on correctness of the value
A neutral approach while presenting ideas
The strength or resisting attitude when being rejected or confronted by the majority.
If these approaches are confirmed in presenting a minority belief than conversion of whole group’s approach is likely.The other name of this approach is conversion theory.
We are mostly influenced by the supremacy of the person who is trying to convince. If we see the person or company as a trustworthy source than we believe them easily and get persuade. So while trying to convince someone, if we present some data from a reliable/authoratitive source than chance of convincing raises.
A persuasive message will become less persuasive with time; however sometimes under right circumstances a message from low credible source will become very persuasive. And absentmindedly we will value the message more forgetting the quality of the source.
For an example a sleazy car salesman told me about 3 cars and said buying anyone is a wise decision. I come back to office and see my boss bought one of those models and says it is good. I assume other models are good as well and forget the impurity about the source of primary information. Being persuaded I go for one of the other cars among three model, and in future find that it was not as good as the boss’s.
Bottom line of the story is if we want to pursue someone to do something we can compare it with something he has value or faith in. Later he may fall for doing what I asked forgetting about my influence and remembering his good experience of the other thing I compared it to.
Persuasion is a tricky business. Using only this skill can sometime change a person’s life. Mindfully or mindlessly we more or less use this tricks in everyday life. So knowing the science of persuasion will only open more alleys for us. Knowing the essential strategies to convince people will increase chances of winning a negotiation and getting things done in our way.
Pushing our children to get good grade, eat healthy, go to school or be respectful to elders is nothing uncommon. As children grow in close surveillance of parents, we the proud parents feel like it is our duty to shape them into perfect human being, as well as fulfill our expectation out of them. To do this duty perfectly parents often try-nagging, criticizing, comparing, and lecturing even scolding. However we very often forget that it is only possible for parents to push kids at a short term context, because as soon as they grow up to be smart individual they sometimes even refuse to be seen with parents in public. A stage comes when everything parents do or ask from them seems like a pressure to the kids.So don’t push kids too much that they start to feel pressurized by your love.
Daryl Capuano, founder and educator of The Learning Consultants in New Haven, Conn also asks parents to not push kid by nagging or criticizing them. He does accept the fact that it is useful in short term result generation. He asks parents to be an inspiration not a nagger. Because if children are tired of the nagging style parenting they will only become worse and disrespectful.
How a parent chose to motivate children depends on their parenting style. Parenting style has significant effect on a child’s development. It has an impact on his brain, academic results, mental strength, and every aspect of his personality. With only well wishes for own child a parent can sometime get very engaged and end up being an extremist. When a parent is so convinced that his intentions are good and that justifies his parenting style of being too pushy .Than it becomes hard to make him go another way or try something else. Some possible negative outcome of being a strict parent or being too much nagging is summarized here-
It is only natural for parents to be concerned about children’s grade and expect them to excel. Some parents believe it is ok to make child study more and more for better results. There are kids who genuinely like to study or spend hours into books but in most cases children want to do more physical activity and practice less thoughtful actions like studying.
Parent if keeps pushing the child only to study and not understand his other interests in sports or anything else than chances exist that he will bring good grades in short term and end of the day he will be hating school .
A research from american phychological association showed that- both in Germany (3500 students) and in the USA (12000 students) students did good on exam when parents had logical expectation ,but when parents expected unrealistically and nudged children to perform as per expectation than it backfired, student performed worse.
Controlling parents, who believe that pushing a child hard is ok because if they do not push children, they won’t be able to make the most of them. However they often ignore the fact that children fails to develop self awareness and self esteem in the process.
Some of the children of too strict and dominating parents even suffer from anxiety and depression at very young age.
Some studies shows that many psychological problem are deep rooted from harsh parental approaches
Research from Bor, Sanders, Markie Dadds, 2002 shows – children from preschool who seldom develop attention/hyperactive difficulties .Have history of experiencing coercive family interactions.
Predictive longitudinal studies from Patterson, Chamberlain, Reid, 1982 shows that unkind and incoherent parenting style causes later youth conduct problems.
Not all children becoming submissive and obedient under constant nagging of parents.
Out of disgust they even choose to scream and violence. Such kids become more and more resilient to what parents ask from them and choose to be rebellious. Thus they feel like they have found freedom.
Submissiveness and Low self esteem
Dr. Eric Herman, a clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital of Michigan in Detroit says “It is only through accomplishing things that children develop earned self-esteem” Even when they achieve anything they hardly enjoys it as it was not their idea of achieving rather it was a mean to make their parent content.
It makes them not to develop their own judgments, fear to express their feelings. They often seek for approval of others in doing or acting to anything. It effects quite adversely in their future life.
A study at University College London that was published in ‘The Journal of Positive Psychology’ found parents who are too controlling and often invade their children’s privacy risk creating long-term damage on their children. The study was conducted among 5,362 people from birth year 1946.They were questioned in their 30s 40s and 50s. It showed that such children had lower life satisfaction and poor mental well being
Does our pressure at work help us to relax or feel recharged? The answer is No. Same thing is applicable for kids. When they are under pressure to behave in certain way they inherently do not feel like, they feel pressure. This stress can cause many psychological and physical problems. They keep gloomy in always feel tired. They may please their parent but in most cases they are traumatized and unhappy inside.
Historically Home work pressure has been charged as a main reason for giving birth to school haters however A survey on child stress found out 2nd leading reason is the pressure engraved by parents is 2nd biggest reason behind child stress.
It is very common for controlling parents to ask their children do something and when kids protest managing them by some ultimatum or some kind of fear. One of my friend shared such an experience where her mom used the fear of “You won’t get a good life” to make her daughter conform to her. However after using this technique for too long, a time finally the day come when the daughter (my friend) simply retorted that she no longer cares to have a good life. So beware moms and dads because- Fear comes with an expiration date, do not use it too often to have your ways.
Teenagers and young peoples reasons for substance addiction is as complex as their life. Where main causes behind substance addiction is highlighted as-
One very common reason is rebellion against pushing parents.
Different children choose different type of drugs or alcohol as a mean to show rebellions attitude or to cope with uber strict parents.
Some common drugs popular among teens and their reason of popularity is summarized here.
Generally used by teenagers to flaunt independence.
Seldom used to as a rebellious weapon, provoke anger in parents.
LSD or Hallucinogens
Termed as escape drugs, used by young people who feel like misunderstood uses it. People who want to avoid or bear with kind words or advice often choose it.
Methamphetamine or meth
It encourages aggressive, violent behavior. Teenagers choose it to express their anxiety or anger. It is far more harmful than alcohol.
Another avoidance drug. It reduces aggression.
Works like Meth but less detrimental
Poor health and habits
Effect of anxiety in our body is a well established fact. It directly affect our cardiovascular system, reproduction system, digestive system, central nervous system (which controls sleep, thinking process).It is only normal for parents to find out a child gets sick right before his test or a special day of every week.
It usually happens when he is too afraid to under perform in anything and get sick out of stress.
International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity 2014 published a report o 288 parent and their kids aging from 6-12.
Motive of the study was to find out effect of too strict parents on children’s health and habit. Result is summarized below-
So knowing the facts and side effects it is strongly recommended by experts to have patience and be supportive to kids.
Control, fear, nagging all may have ways in short term but for raising a confident and sound kid this cannot be the only means. Rather openness, reasoning with the child, communicating parent’s view and judgments; showing more warmth and responsiveness, can make the children more understanding.So don’t push kids too much and let them have the spirit that they are their own boss and it is up to them to be excellent.
Did you know adult of today find family responsibilities to be more stressful than the adult of 60s. It may be the speed of life,the growing needs and complexity of life or it may be our lifestyle.Stress is a natural process ,it is common in human to feel stressed under certain conditions. Our body reacts to stress by releasing hormone, increasing heart beat and breathing rate.However what stress do to our body is completely detrimental so in light of today’s stressful lifestyle it is only super essential to know about Stress damages and recovery.
and provides more oxygen to brain.
Stress can be dangerous to our body under some condition.
Stress hormone or Cortisol,is essential for life. It give you quick boost of energy. There are some diseases like arthritis that require influence of cortisol for healing. Cortisol can shut immune system and focus body’s all energy into something. But like dark chocolate and wine too much of a good thing can lead to a bad thing. Cortisol fluctuates from person to person, by gender, by timing of the day and other factors like stress.
Effect on Central nervous system (CNS)
Those who watched the movie inside out has seen how brain has to constantly struggle to make the mind work without pressure. Whenever we get stressed our CNS gives direction to adrenal glands to release adrenaline and cortisol. When the initial worry leaves CNS asks all system to back to normal.
In chronic stress, anxiety lingers for years after years. So naturally release of adrenals and cortisol is higher than usual all the time. This leaves someone’s physical and mental system completely distressed. It causes- irritability, anxiety, headaches, insomnia and depression. Chronic stress can be a byproduct of drug addiction, social withdrawal, over eating or not eating enough etc. Traumatic -One that keep stress level high for a very long time like-Stress from a special situation ie war
Effect on Immune System
Stress hormone cortisol compromises our immune system. It let histamine discharge and provoke reaction to germs and other harmful foreign invaders .So those are always stressed are seldom found to be always sick of apparently harmless diseases like-influenza, cold ,late recovery from illness.
Effect on Respiratory and Cardiovascular Systems
Stress need to be addressed by letting heart pump faster,breathe faster ,it raises blood pressure and blood vessel. If it goes out of control we will be at risk of heart attack or stroke.
Someone with a respiratory disease like-asthma finds it more difficult to breath during stress.Frequent and chronic stress are thus poses more threat to our Respiratory and Cardiovascular Systems.
Effect on Muscular System
Stressed people hysterically do not bother about their health.Many do not exercise or visit gym rather go for a pain killer when the back pain or shoulder pain do not let them function.It is another by product of stress.
Research shows that due to a happy or a stressed day, love for spouse or an affair outside marriage all emotional roller coaster causes men to opt for more sex. It happens because stress and surge of feeling happiness causes rise in male hormone testosterone. However in long run frequent stress and chronic stress leaves men’s desire for sex to go down. Exhausted body and mind can not perform sex.
Moreover in long run man’s testosterone levels drops due to stress. This reduce production of sperm sometime it may accelerate to impotence.
For women menstrual cycle get badly affected due to stress. All bad signs of menstrual cycle starting from –irregular period, no period, painful or heavier period to painful menopause are byproduct of frequent or chronic stress.
Effect on Digestive System
Have you ever got sick out of stress? Did you ever experience a nervous kid to vomit just before his reciting competition? Have you got sick diarrhea right after a stressful sales meeting in office? Yes many of us have or experienced someone else to have gone through such collapse of digestive system. This is very common syndrome for stressed people. Stress makes involuntary movement of food in body causing digestive system quite unable to function properly.
Stress fighting techniques like- rush of hormone; fast breathing can cause acid reflux. Did you face an acidic attack or have your ulcer got worse off after the birthday party you arranged all by yourself? This type of reaction is only an example of how stress can gear up ulcer.
But worst is chronic stress. Diabetes is another byproduct of chronic stress. Stress causes liver to produce more than normal level of glucose. Its purpose is to help body fight stress though a boost of energy. However this unused blood sugar is absorbed by the body and sometime body fails to absob it properly, than it leaves us at risk of developing type2 diabetes (the most common one).
Relation between Stress , Depression and Cortisol
Cortisol (stress hormone) provides remedy to many diseases specially ones which are characterized by inflammation – like arthritis. Too much cortisol for a prolonged time causes –depression or mania. So such doses are given sporadically.
If cortisol levels are raised for prolonged periods, than many cognive disorders like memory loss, depression. Same problems are assumed to exist if stress persists for too long a period.
Patients have marked cognitive problems, such as memory impairments; they are also commonly depressed, which may resolve rapidly after cortisol levels are normalized – unlike the cognitive deficits, which may persist. This may be why persistent stress may have similar effects
Cortisol level is highest in morning, specially 30 minuite after waking. Those who later become depressed are commonly surge more morning cortisol relative to other.
Women are more prone to depression and women have 20% more cortisol than men.
Studies show that cortisol damages brain. The hippocampus (involved in memory) gets adversely affected by cortisol. Hippocampus generates new neurons so if it gets effected than neuron does generate and brain gets threatened.
Head injury gets worsen if cortisol is given.
If someone is alive he must have some kind of stress. Too much stress on the other hand is quite obviously damaging for both our physical and mental health. So considering the stress damages and recovery options, we should try all the techniques that are available to keep our cortisol level checked and stress minimal.
Stress has become a global and phenomenal cause behind diseases and unhealthy life style of individuals. Whether it is work, parental responsibilities, mid life crisis, adolescence complicacies: it looks like all problem are destined to high stress level. However it may sound surprising but women beats men when it comes to the overall stress level.These 6 super effective way to redeem Stress will surely be a manual to those stressed people who are looking for help.
*Source American Physiological association report in 2015
Also stress seem to be increasing among people, People under this study accepted their inability to cope with stress, which can help them manage daily life. Stress is detrimental to our physical and mental health. Excessive stress cause people chronic health issues if it continues 10 years on a row. So let us plan things to check our level of stress.
Limit use of media
There are controversies about use of social media and technologies and its impact on stress. Some studies show the increased level of stress from using these technologies is simply a result of more awareness.
Another study showed Women who use fewer technologies are more stressed by using these social media networks simply because they are more affected by the events occurring to people near them.
So there is no need to completely move to an island of disconnection. We simply need to limit the use of TV, Phone and Social networking to a lesser percentage amount of time we usually spend so that we can concentrate on other things a little more or enjoy the peace of not looking in a screen always. It does remove unnecessary stress that cause from being busy for no productive reason.
Foods to eat
out of 10 people are stressed out, revealed in a survey of 2013. Only limiting use of media time cannot make significant difference. We need to adapt a better lifestyle. Fortunately there are choices of food that can help us to reduce stress.
If one can have 1 to 2 ounce dark chocolate which contains 65% cocoa than it can be help reducing stress by-
lowering stress hormones in our body,
Lowering blood pressure and cholesterol
Omega-3 fatty acids
Essential Fatty acid helps to fight stress and help to maintain a good health. Fish oil protect against heart disease, Borage oil protect against arthritic pain. Flaxseed and chia seed or walnut that contains much Omega-3 is believed to fight against depression, though much research is still on process to strongly support the fact but nowadays people are taking multi EFA so that they can protect themselves against many health issue and support stress management.
So if eating two servings (every week) of Tuna/Salmon/herring/Sardins is not feasible for someone ,than supplement of Omega 3 can also do the stress management job.
Along with weight loss citrus fruits are also helpful in stress management-Vitamin C in
Men’s daily need of Vitamin C
Women’s daily need of Vitamin C
Rich sources of vitamin c are- Strawberries, red and green peppers, tomatoes, kiwifruit, baked potatoes, broccoli.
Body and mind are closely bonded friends. So when our body feels active our mind follows.
Exercise creates endorphin, endorphin are natural pain killers and helps to increase sleeping ability. More sleep equals to less stress .Also scientists have found exercise reduces level of tension, stabilize mood and improve self esteem. Forms of exercise that can be helpful to reduce stress are-
High-energy activities like running, dancing
Progressive muscle relaxation exercises
I have covered 3 ways out of 6 super effective way to redeem Stress anyone who will follow these three will get certain result.However my next 3 points are also quite effective and easy to follow
We often cannot define our thoughts or fears. Cannot share them with the close one, but talking to ourselves and replaying the distressful events that may drain us out of stamina can not solve the problem or reduce it however writing can.
Some super smart effect of writing on stress are summarized below-
Writing removes anger
When we write down things that makes us angry anger releases to some extent. Best thing about such release is it is harmless. Sometimes writing down the cause and revenge tactics of anger can even make us smile at our impulsiveness too.
Writing neutralize us
As we write we can concentrate on the series of events that is bothering us. Sometimes it helps us to see it more neutrally. Thus we get a better perspective and find a reason to not be stressed out due to anger, hatred or any other feeling that was stressing us out.
Writing works like exercise
Walking and writing are similar kind of exercise one for body another for mind. Writing slows breathing pace, allow us to concentrate on words and grammar, and switches our concentration from stressing activity to a mindful productive action. Also like any other exercise writing makes us tired enough to sleep more.
Let your feelings out-
As a request of my 7 years old daughter when I joined my kid’s parent group for a school event I found that it was a detox of stress relief for me. All parents were from different world than mine. Yet their stories of everyday struggle and those chortle I had with them were life saving. Sooner I eased up,shared my bit of stories too, and it helped to reduce my stress more than any medication.
It may seem impossible to find time or energy for a long forgotten hobby like- crafting art, gardening, volunteering,
However such favorite activity will divert our attention for a good amount of time and regular practice will relieve stress, evidently.
Stress is inevitable. Whether it is work or family or a lack of balance between both, stress cannot be avoided. Some stress is good for us to keep us driven. But too much untreated stress is like slow poison. It should not be ignored as too much stress is behind the reason of all chronic illness.Luckily most cases stress is manageable and in most cases the tactics actually makes us more happy and energetic. So lets not get stressed about stress and try some of this techniques to redeem stress.
Fear of Change is something that resides on everyone. Even in mind of very strong and driven people fear of uncertainty that may arise from change do exists. That does not mean that they stop adapting new ways or technology or something as minute as a new trend. I like a quote of Coco Chanel that simplifies the take on Fearing change vs Accepting change-
“Success is often achieved by those whodon’t know that failure is inevitable.”
Successful people are not all same. What works for one not necessarily work for someone else. However if we gather some successful people from different industries we are likely to find some commonality, like-drive, passion, adaptability etc.In most case when confronted with the challenge of Fearing change vs Accepting change they chose to accept change.
If the fear of change or trying new things had got better of then we could never experience food in age old places like Starbucks coffee or Pizza hut. These legendary food chains along with many other organization has adapted to changes. They started new flavors, changed advertising campaign, opened branches to unfamiliar and untapped markets, hired people from unfamiliar races and many more changes they must have gone through until now, as it was impossible to function and succeed otherwise.
Still there are things that freak us out and if it is in our hand we try unmindfully and vigorously to resist change.
The fear of change is named as Metathesiophobia. But simple fear is not termed as phobia it does become so when it gets out of control.
Change is Stressful
Change is such a shapeless, colorless, odorless issue that has the capability to question every comfort of ours, every known fact we use to cling to. We are afraid of the uncertainty that is associated with every change, whether good or bad. We feel much stressed to think about change or make a change. Like Many of us fear to get married, have children, move to a new country ,enroll into a new academic course sacrificing a job, switch a long practiced job, fear of losing a near one. All these issues are related to big changes in our lives and therefore scare the hell out of many of us.
The truth is whether we like it or not life will go through changes and we will have to adapt to it. If we deny to accept changes our life will only suffer from unnecessary stress because resisting change is also stressful.
Even if positive things happen from changes, we still go through stress. All adjustments causes stress, positive or negative. So rather than freaking out it is better to make some change in the way we view the event of change or the adjustment we have to make for the change.
Not only successful leaders who coped with changes well it is every one of us, who has gone through major changes in life and adapted to it. Still when it comes to the question of defining change I would rather quote an expert Roger S Gil-
A modification to a present environment,a situation,or physical/mental condition that results in circumstances that challenge their existing paradigms.
Why we cannot accept change
From childhood to old age all the changes we face like-growing with family, leaving them behind ,finishing school, getting married, divorced, remarried, having kids, changing jobs all these change may impact us and the way we live. But it is not only on the event how we perceive change.
Our prospective on change depends on our memory and how our brain is used to accept a thing as good or bad. Also it depend on our take on life, global IQ ,our capacity to sustain and our mood. So whether we will perceive a change or the events followed by a change as positive or negative is largely dependent on our core belief and our system to translate an event.
The psychometric meter of measuring stress by Holmes and Rahe shows that every amount of change in person’s life is bound to result some amount of stress. Funny thing of their finding is that even good things that gives us positive energy and we recognize as some most precious happy memory also extract some amount of stress. So stress is inevitable whether we resist change, we adapt change, we like the events caused by a big change or we dislike the events caused from the change.
Change is more difficult with age
Have you ever given your grandma an iphone who never used a Smartphone earlier? Have you ever seen the childish tantrum of a big brother when he is introduced to his new baby brother? May be yes.The thing is there are some things in our mind we are so comfortable to deal with we fear to lose it or can’t accept any change on it. Our core beliefs on something totally control how we will react to a change.
In a Field research corporation’s a survey of 2,502 dual eligible beneficiaries (aged people) of 7 California countries, who are eligible to take medical care under Cal MediConnect, many people refused the new care despite knowing it was a privilege. Most common responses of the people who opted out of the program were
“I was satisfied with my current health care services and didn’t want to make any changes” -cited by 84%
“I didn’t want to risk losing my doctor” –cited by 71%.
How brain reacts to change
Whenever we try a familiar thing we feel confident and risk free, however as soon as it offers us a different result than usual, our brain reacts quirkily to it.
As we do not know the results that can occur for changes our brain gives us signal of danger and it unnecessarily creates problem and we try to resist the change. This is basically a game of brain. Brain has a picture of how life is suppose to be, what is normal. This picture is built based on our experience of life, our core beliefs and normality. It tries to prevent changes and with the fear of changes brain behaves illogically.
Thus example of perfect world that we have in mind is greatly influenced by our childhood experiences. Because unlike an adult brain children have less memory to compare everything happen around them. So once we are adult and our brain already has set benchmarks based on childhood and subsequent age’s memory we become less adaptive to changes. Bottom line is sooner we learn something harder we cringe to it and more difficult it becomes to believe and learn something totally different from it.
We want cushion in life to keep ourselves comfortable. This cushion is bunch of like-minded friends. When we are surrounded by people of our belief we can relate quickly to them and can ignore the fact that outside our belief there lies a world which may be right too.
It works because of illusion of insight.
According to Wikipedia
‘The illusion of asymmetric insight is a cognitive bias whereby people perceive their knowledge of others to surpass other people’s knowledge of themselves. This bias seems to be due to the conviction that observed behaviors are more revealing of others than self, while private thoughts and feelings are more revealing of the self.
A study finds that people seem to believe that they know themselves better than their peers know themselves and that their social group knows and understands other social groups better than other social groups know them.’
Bottom line is when most people around us agree with our beliefs we feel relaxed and we feel easy to deny the changes in outside world. We do therefore ignore conflicting information and choose friends being biased by the value that they are like us in core beliefs.Hereby we choose to avoid change when face the challenge Fearing change vs Accepting change.
Fear of loss of time, effort and money
In most cases we do not embrace a change or try to avoid it because we are in fear that the effort that we will put into the project will lose in vain. Our time money and effort may not be recognized or serve us the value. This is why we do not want to let go of a failed relation despite knowing deep down that it will end. We fear to start a business giving up a certain well paid job because we fear to uncertain loss of money and time.
Actually irrespective of the positive or negative outcome the time has not actually wasted. It is the nature of life to explore things,go through changes and take on new things from it. End of the day it is not about the destination but the journey, but our brain does not perceive things from this point of view. Mostly brain process everything against an expectation and if result comes any short of that vision than we perceive it as a loss.
Some wise people like Michael Jordan have understood the process that is why he told “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.”
How to live with change
Only way to live with change is to accept it. It is our brain that does not like uncertainty and unknown facts. If we go through many changes and get used to the fact that we have unbreakable power to survive changes than it is likely that in future we won’t be change averse. However it is not easy, it will require accepting challenges and trying different things that we used to avoid because we feared the change. it can be as small as using a new technology or as hard as learning a new language or letting go of an age old ancestor’s place for obvious and realistic reasons.
Live with the consequences
If a change causes us to cry out loud in washroom, having nightmares or mood swings. Chances exist that we will want to avoid that way and go another direction. If we do so, than we are not accepting change or coping with it. Referencing Mia Hamm I would say
“Failure happens all the time. It happens every day in practice. What makes you better is how you react to it.”
We have to accept the change and to accept the fact that we cannot avoid change. So we must not go doing unnecessary things to avoid changes. Rather let us go nuts, take the stress that is inevitable part of any major change while embracing the change.
If do not let ourselves to go out of the comfort zone than we will be blocking our way of progressing. We cannot cushion ourselves only because we behave irrationally while face the stress from change. If we let ourselves out in the world of change accepting to experience the distorting emotions and stress that may come from change than we are coping with change and high chances exist that in future we will behave less dramatically as we will already get the strength to cope with it and have learn to survive with the odds.